A Lesson In Failure
by DavestWriterDavidson
Summary: Shortly after the events of Knights of the Old Republic, Revan is dealing with the fallout of his time during his travels, and explains to Bastila how she saved him from making a terrible mistake. Be sure to check out Epilogue for an Exile for more info on Ramsi Tennet!


_**A Lesson In Failure**_

Walking out into their high rise apartment on Coruscant, Jedi Master Bastila Shan discovered her husband already awake- gazing out the window as the morning sun was just beginning its ascent over the horizon, blanketing the view with its golden orange rays of light. It wasn't the first time she'd found him like this, unfortunately, and she felt it would not be the last either.

Ever since their return from Manaan, an aquatic planet in the Inner Rim Territories, some weeks ago, where they'd chased off a Sith battle group that had attempted to subdue the planet's government to obtain desperately needed medical supplies, he'd grown increasingly distant. He was losing sleep, and was more often found wandering their home or the city streets below at the oddest hours of the day or night. She'd attempted to press him for answers, but all she'd been able to pry from him was that he was simply in an extended meditation. His disdain for the teachings of the Jedi Order betrayed that excuse, and she knew as well as he did that she wasn't buying it. However, after all they'd been through, Bastila knew he'd come to her when he was ready.

She was fully prepared to simply let him continue with his thoughts and go back to bed when he reached up a hand and beckoned her over. She tightened the belt around her robe and sat next to him on the floor, and for several minutes that's all they did. At last, he released a breath and turned to her.

"I've been giving this a great deal of thought, and I think that I'm ready to share my conclusions with you." He said.

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been waiting for this moment, my love. Your meditations tend to lead to the most interesting ideas."

He gave her a small smile and placed his hand on hers. In all their time together, his ideas had always been the most abstract, the most unthinkable, and, at times, the most disturbing ones Bastila had ever heard. However, no matter what, they always lead him straight to the goal he desired.

"Ever since we returned from Manaan, I've been plagued by visions. They're not of the same type which we shared during our journeys. The best way I can describe them is that they feel as though I'm peering into a different timeline than our own, as if I'm seeing my life as it could've been. They come with… Dark feelings, desires and emotions I've not felt since…" He paused, letting the words hang in the air.

Bastila knew what he was alluding to. In the time between his memory being wiped by the Jedi Council and him regaining his identity, the personality he had formed had carried over his most savage and demented tendencies. The things he'd done ranged from mild mischief to downright sadistic and malicious, and he often found it difficult to talk about them once he came to terms with who he was now. It was a dark time in his past, one where he achieved many great things, but those achievements had come at a terrible cost.

"I can see myself at the head of a massive ship, crewmen walking, not running, around me. We're in the heat of a battle, but everyone is at peace. Our cannons and fighters decimate our enemies, and they're constantly running from us. Nothing can touch us, and those that dare are mercilessly dealt with. Other times, I find myself standing amongst a pile of bodies. Looking beneath my boots I can see the faces, filled with shock and terror. Many are nameless, but I see more of which I know. Mission, Jolee, Carth, Canderous. I turn from them and feel nothing, but when I come back to reality I'm struck with guilt and terror in my soul. Up until recently, I haven't been able to make sense of these visions. Now, I think I know what they are."

His face stays emotionless, his gaze unfazed, his tone as solid and steady as the stones of Malachor V. Until now, when he looks to Bastila and fixes her with a look of curiosity. His eyes dart down occasionally before returning to meet hers.

"They're of what I could have been, I think. Of who I would be had you not confronted me and Jolee on Rakata Prime."

"What do you mean, Revan?" She asked. The sound of his real name still irks him, she can sense it even though he doesn't show it. For so long he had thought of himself as Ramsi Tennet, that even when he came to terms with the revelation of who he really was he insisted that he still be called by the identity he had fashioned for himself. The only people who still call him Ramsi are Mission and Zaalbar, the Twi'lek-Wookie duo he'd befriended on Telos. Once the truth was revealed, however, calling him Ramsi only filled Bastila with guilt at the integral part she played in the coverup of his mind wipe. Even if he had forgiven her, she could always sense his rage whenever the topic or the Jedi Council came up.

Revan paused for a small smile, an obvious attempt to diffuse what he was about to say.

"I'm going to start sounding like a Master or some codgy old coot when I say this, maybe Jolee's rubbing off on me," He says playfully, poking fun at the old Jedi Master who he'd listened to for hours on end during the final days of their journey to find the Star Forge, "But your failure to resist Malak and the dark side was a good thing. It allowed me to reach my full potential."

Bastila almost recoiled at the comment, but, with her Jedi training well in hand, she kept composed and merely swallowed her disgust. Instead, she inquired as to why he thought that.

"I'll be honest with you, Bast," He began, "Before you challenged me atop the Rakatan temple, I fully planned to take down Malak, claim the Star Forge as my own, and drive the Empire straight to the heart of the Republic. All I'd seen lead me to believe the Republic was a crumbling faction that had no hope to survive a real war against the Sith Empire and, frankly, needed to be put to rest. During our quest for the Star Forge, I'd intentionally sabotage Republic interests wherever I could, just so the Sith would have the upper-hand. Up until that encounter atop the temple, once I'd learned the truth about who I was, I fully intended to pay back not only the Republic, but the entire Jedi Order for what they'd done to me."

Most of these sentiments were nothing new, coming from Revan. Bastila had heard his thoughts and seen some of these actions countless times before. Since he'd rejoined the Republic war effort though, she'd only heard them in confidence with the other members of his personal crew. For a time, during her short-lived turn to the dark side, she'd even shared some of them. Those days were both long behind both of them, now.

"However, when you confronted me, and forced me to choose between power and my friends, I found myself coming to a realization that I'd never had before. In all the time I'd spent as Ramsi Tennet, from Telos to Yavin IV, I'd done things only in my best interests. The things that gave me personal pleasure or profit. However, when I met Mission on Telos, she'd sparked an idea in me that I'd held onto- even if I didn't recognize it at the time. During my time as Ramsi Tennet, I acted on personal interest, yes, but I also always acted on the interests of those I considered friends. I never sacrificed them for anything, and I only put them in situations I knew they could handle. Then, the more I talked to Canderous, the more I began to build a moral code on those beliefs. I based my honour not on my actions alone, but on how I stuck to that code. The one thing that set the old Revan apart from Ramsi Tennet," He said, holding up a finger and becoming deathly serious, "The _one _thing that separated the two was that Ramsi had a sense of honour, and Ramsi valued friendship. As Revan, I'd only ever had allies and adversaries, but as Ramsi Tennet? I had _friends_. Friends who were willing to stick by me just as much as I was them, and no amount of personal greed or ambition would ever outweigh the relationships we formed as friends."

"What does this have to do with my failure at the hands of Malak, Revan?" Bastila asked, still unsure as to how this would tie back in to what he had originally said.

"Without your failure, I wouldn't have become who I am today. I would've fallen back into the same traps that Revan did, and my lusting for power would've lead to where all things of the dark side do: Death. I would've killed every last one of them just to assure my place as head of the galaxy. Your failure gave me the opportunity of choice, to become all I could be and recognize my destiny."

"You're right about one thing, dear," Bastila said, "This does sound like something Jolee would say."

Revan chuckled to himself and shook his head, gazing back out at the Coruscant skyline.

"Failure truly is the greatest teacher. Not just for what we can learn about ourselves, but for where our failures can lead other people."

"I've always kicked myself for not resisting Malak more, for succumbing to his tortures, but you do bring me to looking at that failure in a new light. In a way, it becomes more of a success than anything else."

There was a pause, and Bastila leaned her head on her husband's shoulder. He laid his head atop hers.

_The will of the Force, _Bastila thought to herself_, has lead us down paths I would've once imagined impossible. Through Ramsi Tennet, it lead Revan to friendship and honour. Through my failure at the hands of Darth Malak, it has lead to Revan's redemption and the all but soon to be achieved victory over the Sith Empire. Wherever it leads us next, I will follow. _

_For I am a Jedi, and through the Force my chains are broken, and harmony, peace, and victory will always be found. _


End file.
